Surrendering
At the end of 2018 I was struggling. I was plagued by bouts of depression, a lack of self-worth, moments of anger that was driven by fear, along with some suicidal thoughts that haunted me. Sadly, these emotions had been building for many years and after the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS), it started to become overwhelming. I was trying to hold on to a past that was inspired by an inner negative voice.
I had to find a way out.
I was not living the life I wanted, supporting my family the way I wanted to, or being the man I wanted to be. I was living with stress that I was attempting to “sweep under the rug”, but it was still there. Had I become used to a life filled with stress and raw emotion?
I knew I had to keep moving and address this inner voice that was judgmental, shaming, and an unsupportive Dick, (he is Richard on days when tolerable).
So I began looking for a way out, because this is who I am, for those that know me, I don’t often slow down. I enlisted the help from coaches, an incredible somatic therapist, meditation teachers, along with many other teachers and angels that came in and out of my life. I was also reading 2-3 books a month from various modalities of healing and many teachers that I owe my deepest gratitude and heart.
Through my deep work and the storm of my self perception, I was becoming aware of my fear, anger, loneliness, plus many other areas that I will continue uncovering for the rest of my life. I was also becoming aware of the death grip I had on these emotions but not being able to see the depth of it.
This grip was damaging my relationships with my family, career, and health. I was struggling with my diagnosis trying to avoid any medication and feel better with no more symptoms. I knew deep down that this emotion was a big factor and struggling with it was damaging my health, self-worth, and ability to love others but more importantly, myself.
One of my teachers at this time had made the remark, “when you're going through the storm of life, it's better to continue through the middle of the storm, instead of going around it.
The writing below is from my journal when I was in the middle of the storm. It is more on point today than when I wrote it:
I asked, the pit in my stomach, my need for acceptance, my need for affection and the need for the external world to validate me, to leave and never come back.
This need is a rattlesnake in the grass or on the trails, that was the spark of fear
When I hear its rattle I have agreed to take a step back. I will look and acknowledge the feeling, and use the feeling to reinforce that I am enough. And I am loved.
Yes, I have a need for touch and affection. But this need is first addressed with my own love and worth.
This is a reminder to slow down. Look at where I am at, and tell myself, I love you.
You have so much love, but it is first given to myself. Once I feel this love fill my heart and through every cell of my body, then I can look at the pit in my stomach to see what is causing this fear.
The help and love that I can give my family can only be given, if my self love is first addressed, filled and satisfied.
My joy comes from within me, loving me... loving me.
The more love I have for myself, the more I can give to others.
You are awesome. You can inspire others to be better, feel better, and love themselves enough to heal.
You have a fire and passion within yourself, but you love yourself first.
you’re joy and happiness, you’re security, you're stable.
I am:
Awesome
Smart
Intelligent
Charismatic
Gifted
Filled with LOVE
-Matt Rowe (end of 2018)
I encourage you to keep moving and explore the areas of your life that are not working for you, this work may not be easy but it is rewarding. We all have an opportunity to step on the path to discovering ourselves deeply and fully. During this journey you may come upon the greatest gift you have ever received, YOU.
